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+                        The Warning Signs Of InSaNiTy

+                    ---------------------------------------

+

+ 1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and

+     then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

+ 2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that

+     you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

+ 3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

+ 4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends

+     you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

+ 5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to 

+     relieve yourself on it.

+ 6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of

+     evil dandruff spirits.

+ 7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for

+     setting fire to his lawn decorations.

+ 8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

+ 9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

+10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

+11. You laugh out loud during funerals.

+12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

+13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you

+      through that scuba mask.

+14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've

+      stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going 

+      to one day seek revenge.

+15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

+16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your

+      little illusion.

+17. You collect dead windowsill flies.

+18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its

+     wings!"

+19. You like cats.  Especially with mayo.

+20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

+21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

+22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they

+     weren't rescued.

+23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

+24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

+25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

+26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the

+     middle of your front lawn.

+27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name 

+     etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

+28. Melba toast excites you.

+29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another 

+     room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

+30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

+31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think

+     to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."

+32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for

+     a few minutes.

+33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

+34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

+35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala

+     or to be loved by an infectious disease.

+36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and

+     pretend that you're a stalk.

+37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

+38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

+39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a

+     violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

+40. You like reading lists like this. :) (The Paul Richter

+     Special Edition Appendix)

+41. You sit in your room for hours on end listening to Peter, Paul & Mary

+     and playing solitaire on your computer.

+42. You experience periods of time when your mouth can do nothing but sing

+     "Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin...."

+43. You begin to start almost every conversation with the introduction to

+    _The A-Team_ theme song.

+44. You spend three hours sitting on the floor cutting and pasting a 

+     project for your COLLEGE English course, and you get

+     really frustrated because you can't recall

+     all the kindergarten-period skills that it requires.

+45. You check your e-mail about six times a day, only to find that nobody

+     cares enough to send anything to you.

+46. You believe that Quayle would actually win the 1996

+     presidentialelection.

+47. You read Anne Sexton's poetry for twelve out of any sixteen-hour 

+     period.

+48. You read Sylvia Plath to cheer yourself up, and when that doesn't work

+     you pop _The Wall_ into the stereo...

+49. You think Popeye's anchor tattoo would look even better on YOUR 

+     forearm.

+50. You use Speed Stick Clear Ocean Surf Deodorant for the scent.

+51. You start appending a list like this, and you find yourself just going

+     on and on and on and on...

+52. You start to repeat yourself.

+53. You start to repeat yourself.

+54. You start really stretching for bad jokes and cheap laughs.

+55. You recognize that you are doing so.

+56. You blatantly announce it.

+57. You keep looking in the Rap section at Tower Records trying to find 

+     that new M.C. Escher album.

+58. Your greatest accomplishment to date in your college career is your

+     new-found ability to blow smoke rings.

+59. You resort to mass e-mailings as your sole means of unabashedly begging

+     for attention.