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diff --git a/thoughts/txt/textfiles.com/lusermeetings.txt b/thoughts/txt/textfiles.com/lusermeetings.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cea504b --- /dev/null +++ b/thoughts/txt/textfiles.com/lusermeetings.txt @@ -0,0 +1,275 @@ + + SOCIAL OBSERVATIONS ABOUT NETWORK LUSERS + + A General TXT on My Personal Gleanings + and Experience with Network Neophytes + and the Everyday Joe/Jane "luser". + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"There is a principle which is a bar against all information,which is proof +against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep us in everlasting +ignorance............that principle is contempt prior to investigation." + +Herbert Spencer +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + BY: F A R T B L O S S O M + +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Sept. 8, 2004 + ;)_ +--------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +To quote a saying by the infamous Bastard Operator from Hell, "They never +learn." No statement written about network lusers has ever rung more true +than that simple phrase. People simply do not learn, they do not want to +learn, they fight the process and the more one tries to enforce learning or +encourage learning, more and more resistance is met. + +Example from the open road: A guy pulls out in front of a truck after +running a red light and narrowly misses getting hit. Two weeks later at +the same intersection he pulls the same stunt. I have seen this scenario +repeated over and over right in front of my house, at the local K-Mart +red light, and on main street in the local town at the busiest inter- +section in the entire city. Same cars same people same scenario and +they never learn. + +The only time they get the hint is when luck runs out and they end up +in the hospital or dead. Like Mother used to say of my dear sister, +"She won't believe I will whip her until she feels the sting of the +switch." And usually when they get the hint, if the live through the +accident they have the fucking audacity to sue the person who hit them +even though it wasn't the other person's fault. + +I write this from the (albeit biased) standpoint and position of veteran +sysad for numerous WAN/LAN's for about 8 years. This is what I do, how +I make my money and suffice it to say dealing with end users has caused +no small amount of stress in my life over the years. + +When I first began this task of luser management, along with workstation +break/fix and WAN/LAN sysad duties back in early 1995 I kept having the +feeling that I was being left behind. I didn't know much about computers +or networking back then, so I maintained a constant effort over the years +to learn all I could about my newly acquired craft. When I finally began +managing my own systems as senior IT I finally got appreciation for the +oft repeated phrase, "In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king." + +When I, the humble meek computer geek fizzled onto the sysad scene +I discovered a profound truth. I KNOW MORE THAN THEY DO. I was stunned +that all of the talented degreed and credentialed folks I was serving as +sysad for knew ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING about computers and eight years +later the SAME FUCKING PEOPLE STILL DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COMPUTERS. + +THAT SIMPLE FACT ABSOLUTELY FLOODED AND FLOORED MY SIMPLE HICK MIND AT THE TIME! How could I know more than someone with a PhD when I barely made +it through the 12th grade? + +They dont want to know about computers, they want it all done for them +since they are too fucking stupid and lazy to learn something new. This +is not only referring to older lusers, but the young ones as well. They +churn them out of the big industry mechanism stupid. The college kids +exist to make a professor smile, so they can get an A. Don't think for +yourself, think the way I tell you and I smile on your Doctorate. + +"Madness," as biblical King Solomon might say as the Preacher, all is madness." + +------- topic switches abruptly ------------------------------------------ + +I can't tell you the number of times I get blamed for walking past a server +room and when the power cycles I get bitched at because it must've been +something I did. After all I was in the area. And I am an asshole in +their eyes, therefore it isn't the fault of the power company, since I +have all these fucking magical TCP/IP wizard telepathy powers I control +the fucking power grid. + +I hate stereotypes. + +(A quick sidenote, I often mention to my wife that this is what racial discrimination must feel like. It sucks to be on the shitty end of a preconcieved notion.) Or as Frank Zappa might say, it is called +"SMELLING THE GLOVE." + +About my assistant, she is an excellent pc tech and is wonderful with +the dear lusers whereas I usually come across as a dickhead or asshole +to them. I don't know why since I try like hell to be nice, I guess they +can't handle a non-degreed ex-vet bossing their superior padded PHD +asses around in the computer arena. Alas that is the corporate curse of +the humble yet knowlegeable sysad. You know more than they do therefore +you are an asshole. + +I cite examples of ineptitude: + +1. Most people I work with don't know how to create an icon in Windows. +2. Most people choose passwords like this: + baby daddy baseball triplets (their initials) (their birthday) +3. Most lusers have a memory as long as my dick. +4. Most lusers put passwords in desk drawers, under mousepads and my + personal favorite, they WRITE IT ON THE FUCKING MONITOR ON A DAMN + STICKY NOTE. So much for network security. +5. Most lusers refer to Windows 97 as their operating system or Microsoft + as their operating system when asked. +6. Most lusers can't differentiate between physical RAM and a hard drive. + Example: How much memory do I have? Can I get rid of some of it to + free up space on my machine? +7. Most lusers can barely operate MS Word +8. The most frequent question I am asked on initial PC orientation of + new employees is, "What's a URL?" +9. The next question I get, even though I manage over 1000 nodes, 20 + WAN links and over 5000 users is, "Do you read our email?" + +FUCK NO I DON'T READ YOUR EMAIL. DON'T FLATTER YOUR LITTLE SELF. I HAVE +SO MUCH WORK TO DO SUPPORTING YOUR CONSTANT DESTRUCTION OF MY PC'S THAT +I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ MY OWN EMAIL. + +10.I have once watched a former sysad friend of mine convince a lady + who was a veteran computer trainer that her problem was leaking + packets. He actually had her on the floor looking for packets that + fell out of her laptop connector and out of the wall jack, NO SHIT! + I almost pissed myself I laughed so hard. And this lady was teaching + other employees! Isn't that novel? The Bible tells us "if the blind + lead the blind, both fall into the ditch." + +11.My favorite bitch of all: "Do you do computer work on the side?" + Read this to mean, "I want my pc/modem/monitor/hard drive/data/mouse/ + keyboard/floppy/scanner/printer fixed absolutely free because after + all I want something for nothing and you must give it to me because + I am a luser and can tattletale to the boss that you are mean." + +(If I have to fix one more Packard Bell Legend, one more shitty ass + Hp Pavillion I am going to go ballistic on somebody!!!!!!) + +So you might ask what is the point of this article. Mainly I wanted to +vent and since I am such an asshole (I am really not, ask my wife) I +have no other folks to vent to. You might also ask, "If you hate the +lusers so much why do you keep staying there?" Good question. This +seems to be the best place for me to further my career. + +I have excellent access to the latest and greatest technology. +Plus its hard to find a job in this recessive economic downturn. All +of the sysads are being axed for cheaper prices in India. + +It seems everyone wants a degreed sysad and I don't have one. While +most were busy going to college and fucking their sweethearts and playing +at being a man, I was busy serving my country during Desert Storm in the +good old US MILITARY. So I don't have a fucking degree, looks like I am +stuck here until someone feels sorry for me. :( I, just as the simple +little lusers I faithfully and dutifully serve, have a wife and home +and bills and I have to eat too. + +The main point I wanted to get to is this. Most people are sheep. Just +like Jesus said in the Bible, "All like sheep have gone astray." True +and even I have done some dumb stuff in my life. But I try like hell to +learn and not repeat mistakes. Your average Joe and Jane luser does not. + +First, they hate the machine. They resent it. They fear it and all who +come in defense of the PC. They don't want it. Management forces them +to use it and won't have it any other way. The luser has bills to pay +and kids and a husband or wife at home to take care of, therefore the +machine is a hated entity because it is forced upon them. True enough. +They are hereby stuck in a hard position. + +They hate technology but are forced to use it, the economy won't let them +leave for a better job, their home life probably sucks ass, therefore +the popular pastime is, "Hey, lets take it out on the computer guy!" +"He has no life, its his fault." I am the embodiment of pure human to +machine interface. I am the computer come in man-form to their pathetic +little cubicles. I am therefore the target of all their frustrations. +Or as I have told my wife, I am like an ambulance driver. I usually get +them when its almost too late. I really really want to help, and I really +want what's best for them. I swear to God I do. + +Persecution complex you say? Perhaps. Schizophrenic musings of an +intelligent lunatic? Fuck you for noticing. I just gave up Zoloft +for cigarettes again. You believe whatever the hell you wish. At least I +am honest with myself. Narcissist? Fuck no. Anti-social? You bet, a +learned behavior. These stomach pains are for real motherfucker. + +A lot of lusers are close to retirement and hatefully despise technology. +I have often heard even our CEO state, "I wish we could just somehow +get rid of all of the computers and go back to the old way." I actually +heard that oral turd dispenser say that on numerous occasions. + +The CEO also mentioned (on the 15th time he got a complaint) that I was mean, +to the poor, unfortunate always right and perfect lusers, and he +threatened to fire me. I in a super nice way told him to fire me now +and not to wait. Don't fuck around, do it NOW! Right fucking now! +Don't dangle that carrot, don't threaten me. I will flip fucking hamburgers +if that is what I have to do. I am not too proud. + +He hesitated and I am still not fired five years later. He won't +fire me and do you know why? It would cost him double to pay someone now +to replace me and that person would probably have a learning curve of at +least 18 months to get up to speed. Plus it would take a new sysad +about 1 year to restabilize what I picked up as a large fucking cobbled +together excuse of a WAN/LAN. + +I literally rebuilt this unorganized grabastic hunk of shit cheap WAN +from scratch. They had no program until I got here. No pride because I +fought, scratched, bitched, whined, complained, and prayed prayed prayed to +God every step of the way. So I guess God gets the credit, not me. + +Let me put this to you. Nobody is permanant. Everyone is expendable and +even I never forget this rule. I am quite sure they could find some little +eager upstart to take my desk, my terminal and my job from me. And the +sad thing is the little shit probably has a college degree. He may even +know a little about networks, perhaps the OSI model. + +But do you know the one thing Mr. College doesn't have that I have? +Experience with all sorts of people and machinery to be exact. I was +in a maintenance and electronics career for 15 years before I became sysad. +I have worked on everything from radio to microwave, to weapons systems to +VCR's. I have soldered boards, built houses, mixed paint, and broken +into combination locks (legally). I have shoveled shit, helped calves +give birth and made homebrew antennas to pick up long range radio stations +with. I have plowed fields and rebuilt engines, I have been both grounded +and on top of the world. + +What else do I have that Mr. College still shitting yellow doesn't? I have +the heart, mind, body, and soul of a sysad. Good admins are made, not +born. It takes work to get up every day even though you feel like never +getting out of bed again and have taken 81 asschewings this year already +for shit they keep piling on you that you have yet to finish, and haven't +enough time or techs to help you. + +What else do I have Mr. Fucking Know it all college PUNK doesn't have? +I care about my lusers. I really really do. I don't want them to lose +their data, or their pc to a virus. Hell no! + +What else do I exhibit that Mr. College fresh wannabe doesn't? I am true +to my God and to myself. I do not like to lie to me. I know what I know +and that is all I know, but I want to know more and more. I spend hours +upon hours in books, on the 'Net trying to learn one more thing to insulate +my lusers from the real world of computing. Anything I can do to make their +lives and mine easier that is what I look for. Nothing else will do. +I want to make them happy. Yet they still fucking fight me and turn me +in because I say what they don't like, I tell them the truth. Yes the +drive has crashed and you lost everything. They can't handle that. + +One more final thing I have that college boy doesn't. I have humility. +Humility of a kind that is born in the crucible of hard ass mind numbing +deadlines, and thankless work and hard decisions daily. My humility was +born of numerous ass-chewings, numerous deflations of my pride. Humility +is setting up Netware 41 times on the same fucking box until you get it +right, learning each step of the way. Humility is working on a pc for +three weeks, only to find out it was something retarded all along like +an unseated stick of ram. Be humble, be available, but be wise as a +serpent and harmless as a dove. + +I have news for you lusers. Computers are not going away. They are here +to stay and sysads like me are always going to be needed. Be nice to us +because there will come a fateful day when your drive crashes, you get a +virus and you will need our services. You do reap what you sow, that much +I have learned in all my trials and tribulations of life in general and as +a sysad. + +It is getting quite late and I am quite sure I have wasted enough of your +valuable time reading this. I think the BOFH put my real feelings in print +best: "I know I have that LAN cable I spliced into the power cord somewhere. + +" MWUAHHHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! + +FART BLOSSOM +SOMEWHERE DEEP IN THE BOWELS OF THE NEW SOUTH +MAY SHE RISE AGAIN! + + +EOF
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