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diff --git a/.md/thoughts/self/.description b/.md/thoughts/self/.description new file mode 100644 index 0000000..796d34c --- /dev/null +++ b/.md/thoughts/self/.description @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Reflections on life so far diff --git a/.md/thoughts/self/advice-for-the-anxious-and-depressed.md b/.md/thoughts/self/advice-for-the-anxious-and-depressed.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d51a217 --- /dev/null +++ b/.md/thoughts/self/advice-for-the-anxious-and-depressed.md @@ -0,0 +1,121 @@ +I have lived an incredibly blessed life compared to most of the world. I +grew up in the upper-middle class of Long Island, which by most +standards, firmly puts me in the top percentage of wealthy people in the +world. I never had to worry about meals or clean water. Access to +education and college was practically a guarantee. The best health +insurance NY state had to offer (and now that I buy my own insurance, +I'm still not struggling by any means). Even my parents were as close as +you can get to perfect: drug-free, no divorce issues or marital +fighting, never hit or abused their children, and just genuinely +kind-hearted people. + +And despite all that, there are very few times I can recall ever being +happy. + +This is my story of struggle with suicidal thoughts, other human +beings, and just in general coming to terms with being a lost, gloomy +and angry person. Hopefully, it will also have some lessons how I and people +like me ought to deal with that, but I can't promise I have that all +figured out right now. + +So if that sort of stuff bores or depresses you, you might want to do a +CRTL+W now. + +I don't know if I can pick out an exact moment when childhood seemed to +end and a cloud took over my thinking. I can remember how I felt and +when I felt it: +... + +The worst was my college years. +... + +It became obvious to me going through therapy for several years that I +was not going to solve this. Because I didn't want to solve it. But I +didn't want to hurt my friends and family with it either. Instead I +learned how to deal with it and don the mask. + +Maybe for most people that's enough, so I'll share what I learned from +therapy and since then. + +1. See feelings for what they are. ... They come suddenly and fade + unpredictably. But if you can name them, and know you're experiencing + them, you have a lot more control over how you react to them. This + doesn't always work, sometimes emotions are just to strong, or you're + caught in a situation where you can't react the way you'd like. Taking + the time to understand how you're feeling, and how you've felt earlier + in the day really helps keep your emotions from ruining not only your + day, but everyone else's. When I get angry over a perceived slight, I + try to remove myself from the conversation and give myself time to think + about whether what I'm angry at is really worth stewing over. When I get + stuck in loop on some awkward conversation from earlier in the week, I + find work to do or a project I never finished. On those days I feel + completely drained and distracted, maybe caught up on what a girlfriend + or best friend said in the past, I take the day off and make myself some + breakfast and lunch. (I'm fortunate enought to have a job that + recognizes the importance of mental health. Many in the US do not get + that). + +2. You don't have to have an opinion or feeling on everything. Maybe + that sounds obvious, but this was a major revelation to me. Thoughts + are exhauting, and having too many can lead to cloudy thinking and + not caring much about anything else outside of your head. If you find + yourself overthinking, stop and ask if it's really important to think + about this thing right now. For example, if you're talking to someone + and you don't understand a joke they tell right away, and then you + feel stupid, and then you remember all the women who left you because + you were stupid, and you were stupid because you left the bag in the + airport line, and you'll never get better at your job because you + can't even do basic fucking shit right -- stop and realize that you + are wasting brainpower on a meaningless event. Thinking about + thinking is one of the hardest things there is, but it is crucial if + you want to exist in the world. + +3. Suicide does not really usually give you the outcome you want. Again, + maybe that sounds obvious, but to a kid who want to die, it's not. + Think carefully about exactly why you want to commit suicide. Is it + to avoid an embarassment? Are you trying to hurt someone? + Feel underappreciated? Or just bored of life? Suicide solves none of + these problems. In the first case, suicide will bring more attention + to your embarassing situation, where it may have been forgotten over + time otherwise. In the second, you may hurt them in the short term, + but eventually, the thought of you will grow to unbearable and the + person you wanted to hurt will most likely, eventually move on and + forget about you. In the third, suicide rarely makes people think + better of you -- typically people will bear resentment over what + you did. And in the last, there's no guarantee death with will be + more exciting, and most available evidence suggests the opposite. + Writing a suicide note and talking through your reasons can help + with this and can even be theraputic. And at the very least, will + leave some closure to the people you leave behind. + + That one I actually learned from the Queen song, not therapy. + +... + +As much as this probably sounds like distorted thinking to most people, +I honestly and truly believe that most people like me have good reason +to be depressed. And anxious of people who aren't. ... In a world that +peddles pornography to children (like it did to me), ... why aren't +*YOU* depressed? Are you not paying attention? + +That is the hurdle I find myself at now. I know as long as I think this +way, I'm probably not going to be happy with the state of things. +Because I don't want to be. Because I don't see the value in happiness. +It should be patently obvious to me that there is no value in depression +either. But that is the only way I have ever been how do I stop now? + +I can write some answers to this that sound reasonable. But you can't +reason yourself out of this thing. You have to believe it and +internalize it: + +1. Depression and inaction only begets depression and inaction. +2. Abuse the fact that you are a ritualistic animal. Schedule time + for things you care about outside of your work. Make routines. Rise + at the same time every day (unless you're sick). +3. Treat your body better. Eat better, make your own meals. Cut down on + drinking and smoking and cut it out completely if you can't. + Excercise when you can -- does not have to be a gym, a walk is enough + sometimes. Shower, shave, and wear clothes you feel comfortable in + that represent your style. + + |