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+I have lived an incredibly blessed life compared to most of the world. I
+grew up in the upper-middle class of Long Island, which by most
+standards, firmly puts me in the top percentage of wealthy people in the
+world. I never had to worry about meals or clean water. Access to
+education and college was practically a guarantee. The best health
+insurance NY state had to offer (and now that I buy my own insurance,
+I'm still not struggling by any means). Even my parents were as close as
+you can get to perfect: drug-free, no divorce issues or marital
+fighting, never hit or abused their children, and just genuinely
+kind-hearted people.
+
+And despite all that, there are very few times I can recall ever being
+happy.
+
+This is my story of struggle with suicidal thoughts, other human
+beings, and just in general coming to terms with being a lost, gloomy
+and angry person. Hopefully, it will also have some lessons how I and people
+like me ought to deal with that, but I can't promise I have that all
+figured out right now.
+
+So if that sort of stuff bores or depresses you, you might want to do a
+CRTL+W now.
+
+I don't know if I can pick out an exact moment when childhood seemed to
+end and a cloud took over my thinking. I can remember how I felt and
+when I felt it:
+...
+
+The worst was my college years.
+...
+
+It became obvious to me going through therapy for several years that I
+was not going to solve this. Because I didn't want to solve it. But I
+didn't want to hurt my friends and family with it either. Instead I
+learned how to deal with it and don the mask.
+
+Maybe for most people that's enough, so I'll share what I learned from
+therapy and since then.
+
+1. See feelings for what they are. ... They come suddenly and fade
+   unpredictably. But if you can name them, and know you're experiencing
+   them, you have a lot more control over how you react to them. This
+   doesn't always work, sometimes emotions are just to strong, or you're
+   caught in a situation where you can't react the way you'd like. Taking
+   the time to understand how you're feeling, and how you've felt earlier
+   in the day really helps keep your emotions from ruining not only your
+   day, but everyone else's. When I get angry over a perceived slight, I
+   try to remove myself from the conversation and give myself time to think
+   about whether what I'm angry at is really worth stewing over. When I get
+   stuck in loop on some awkward conversation from earlier in the week, I
+   find work to do or a project I never finished. On those days I feel
+   completely drained and distracted, maybe caught up on what a girlfriend
+   or best friend said in the past, I take the day off and make myself some
+   breakfast and lunch. (I'm fortunate enought to have a job that
+   recognizes the importance of mental health. Many in the US do not get
+   that).
+
+2. You don't have to have an opinion or feeling on everything. Maybe
+   that sounds obvious, but this was a major revelation to me. Thoughts
+   are exhauting, and having too many can lead to cloudy thinking and
+   not caring much about anything else outside of your head. If you find
+   yourself overthinking, stop and ask if it's really important to think
+   about this thing right now. For example, if you're talking to someone
+   and you don't understand a joke they tell right away, and then you
+   feel stupid, and then you remember all the women who left you because
+   you were stupid, and you were stupid because you left the bag in the
+   airport line, and you'll never get better at your job because you
+   can't even do basic fucking shit right -- stop and realize that you
+   are wasting brainpower on a meaningless event. Thinking about
+   thinking is one of the hardest things there is, but it is crucial if
+   you want to exist in the world.
+
+3. Suicide does not really usually give you the outcome you want. Again,
+   maybe that sounds obvious, but to a kid who want to die, it's not.
+   Think carefully about exactly why you want to commit suicide. Is it
+   to avoid an embarassment? Are you trying to hurt someone?
+   Feel underappreciated? Or just bored of life? Suicide solves none of
+   these problems. In the first case, suicide will bring more attention
+   to your embarassing situation, where it may have been forgotten over
+   time otherwise. In the second, you may hurt them in the short term,
+   but eventually, the thought of you will grow to unbearable and the
+   person you wanted to hurt will most likely, eventually move on and
+   forget about you. In the third, suicide rarely makes people think
+   better of you -- typically people will bear resentment over what
+   you did. And in the last, there's no guarantee death with will be
+   more exciting, and most available evidence suggests the opposite.
+   Writing a suicide note and talking through your reasons can help
+   with this and can even be theraputic. And at the very least, will
+   leave some closure to the people you leave behind.
+
+   That one I actually learned from the Queen song, not therapy.
+
+...
+
+As much as this probably sounds like distorted thinking to most people,
+I honestly and truly believe that most people like me have good reason
+to be depressed. And anxious of people who aren't. ... In a world that
+peddles pornography to children (like it did to me), ... why aren't
+*YOU* depressed? Are you not paying attention?
+
+That is the hurdle I find myself at now. I know as long as I think this
+way, I'm probably not going to be happy with the state of things.
+Because I don't want to be. Because I don't see the value in happiness.
+It should be patently obvious to me that there is no value in depression
+either. But that is the only way I have ever been how do I stop now?
+
+I can write some answers to this that sound reasonable. But you can't
+reason yourself out of this thing. You have to believe it and
+internalize it:
+
+1. Depression and inaction only begets depression and inaction.
+2. Abuse the fact that you are a ritualistic animal. Schedule time
+   for things you care about outside of your work. Make routines. Rise
+   at the same time every day (unless you're sick).
+3. Treat your body better. Eat better, make your own meals. Cut down on
+   drinking and smoking and cut it out completely if you can't.
+   Excercise when you can -- does not have to be a gym, a walk is enough
+   sometimes. Shower, shave, and wear clothes you feel comfortable in
+   that represent your style.
+
+