I have lived an incredibly blessed life compared to most of the world. I
grew up in the upper-middle class of Long Island, which by most
standards, firmly puts me in the top percentage of wealthy people in the
world. I never had to worry about meals or clean water. Access to
education and college was practically a guarantee. The best health
insurance NY state had to offer (and now that I buy my own insurance,
I'm still not struggling by any means). Even my parents were as close as
you can get to perfect: drug-free, no divorce issues or marital
fighting, never hit or abused their children, and just genuinely
kind-hearted people.

And despite all that, there are very few times I can recall ever being
happy.

This is my story of struggle with suicidal thoughts, other human
beings, and just in general coming to terms with being a lost, gloomy
and angry person. Hopefully, it will also have some lessons how I and people
like me ought to deal with that, but I can't promise I have that all
figured out right now.

So if that sort of stuff bores or depresses you, you might want to do a
CRTL+W now.

I don't know if I can pick out an exact moment when childhood seemed to
end and a cloud took over my thinking. I can remember how I felt and
when I felt it:
...

The worst was my college years.
...

It became obvious to me going through therapy for several years that I
was not going to solve this. Because I didn't want to solve it. But I
didn't want to hurt my friends and family with it either. Instead I
learned how to deal with it and don the mask.

Maybe for most people that's enough, so I'll share what I learned from
therapy and since then.

1. See feelings for what they are. ... They come suddenly and fade
   unpredictably. But if you can name them, and know you're experiencing
   them, you have a lot more control over how you react to them. This
   doesn't always work, sometimes emotions are just to strong, or you're
   caught in a situation where you can't react the way you'd like. Taking
   the time to understand how you're feeling, and how you've felt earlier
   in the day really helps keep your emotions from ruining not only your
   day, but everyone else's. When I get angry over a perceived slight, I
   try to remove myself from the conversation and give myself time to think
   about whether what I'm angry at is really worth stewing over. When I get
   stuck in loop on some awkward conversation from earlier in the week, I
   find work to do or a project I never finished. On those days I feel
   completely drained and distracted, maybe caught up on what a girlfriend
   or best friend said in the past, I take the day off and make myself some
   breakfast and lunch. (I'm fortunate enought to have a job that
   recognizes the importance of mental health. Many in the US do not get
   that).

2. You don't have to have an opinion or feeling on everything. Maybe
   that sounds obvious, but this was a major revelation to me. Thoughts
   are exhauting, and having too many can lead to cloudy thinking and
   not caring much about anything else outside of your head. If you find
   yourself overthinking, stop and ask if it's really important to think
   about this thing right now. For example, if you're talking to someone
   and you don't understand a joke they tell right away, and then you
   feel stupid, and then you remember all the women who left you because
   you were stupid, and you were stupid because you left the bag in the
   airport line, and you'll never get better at your job because you
   can't even do basic fucking shit right -- stop and realize that you
   are wasting brainpower on a meaningless event. Thinking about
   thinking is one of the hardest things there is, but it is crucial if
   you want to exist in the world.

3. Suicide does not really usually give you the outcome you want. Again,
   maybe that sounds obvious, but to a kid who want to die, it's not.
   Think carefully about exactly why you want to commit suicide. Is it
   to avoid an embarassment? Are you trying to hurt someone?
   Feel underappreciated? Or just bored of life? Suicide solves none of
   these problems. In the first case, suicide will bring more attention
   to your embarassing situation, where it may have been forgotten over
   time otherwise. In the second, you may hurt them in the short term,
   but eventually, the thought of you will grow to unbearable and the
   person you wanted to hurt will most likely, eventually move on and
   forget about you. In the third, suicide rarely makes people think
   better of you -- typically people will bear resentment over what
   you did. And in the last, there's no guarantee death with will be
   more exciting, and most available evidence suggests the opposite.
   Writing a suicide note and talking through your reasons can help
   with this and can even be theraputic. And at the very least, will
   leave some closure to the people you leave behind.

   That one I actually learned from the Queen song, not therapy.

...

As much as this probably sounds like distorted thinking to most people,
I honestly and truly believe that most people like me have good reason
to be depressed. And anxious of people who aren't. ... In a world that
peddles pornography to children (like it did to me), ... why aren't
*YOU* depressed? Are you not paying attention?

That is the hurdle I find myself at now. I know as long as I think this
way, I'm probably not going to be happy with the state of things.
Because I don't want to be. Because I don't see the value in happiness.
It should be patently obvious to me that there is no value in depression
either. But that is the only way I have ever been how do I stop now?

I can write some answers to this that sound reasonable. But you can't
reason yourself out of this thing. You have to believe it and
internalize it:

1. Depression and inaction only begets depression and inaction.
2. Abuse the fact that you are a ritualistic animal. Schedule time
   for things you care about outside of your work. Make routines. Rise
   at the same time every day (unless you're sick).
3. Treat your body better. Eat better, make your own meals. Cut down on
   drinking and smoking and cut it out completely if you can't.
   Excercise when you can -- does not have to be a gym, a walk is enough
   sometimes. Shower, shave, and wear clothes you feel comfortable in
   that represent your style.